the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I won't apologize to a one balled man
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
