im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
