dude i'm inner monologue high
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
