We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
