totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
