Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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