when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
