Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
