i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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