was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
