I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
