apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
