no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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