he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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