I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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