I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We left the knife in your bed.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
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