umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
