the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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