my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
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