Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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