i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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