Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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