FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
