my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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