he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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