You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
