Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
