He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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