a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
