In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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