Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
