why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
