I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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