Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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