Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think I died a long time ago.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
50% drunk capacity currently
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
