I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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