Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
