Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
