I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
