my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
