fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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