I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
