I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
