the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
