I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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