you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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