The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
