this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
