Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
