How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
